BEAUTIFUL MARRIAGE > Before You Say I Do

Congratulations! At last, your love has come along, the one who makes you see fireworks. Apparently you can feel the love tonight, there's a sparkle in your eye, and ain't no stopping you now. They want to make your house a home, but do you have what it takes to make it last? (Hope you're enjoying all these love song puns!)

On a serious note, are you ready to make this kind of commitment and live with your decision, always and forever? (I had to do it.)

Talking before your big day is critical to the success of the relationship. Problems stem from our expectations of marriage. You have this idea in your head of what it looks like, and so does your mate, but if you're not talking, these views are bound to clash down the line. So sit down and hash out all the hard stuff before you walk down that aisle. Here are some things to consider before you say "I Do."

Defining Marriage

What is marriage? Some people see it as a sacred bond between a man and a man that's honored by God. Others as a civil union recognized by the government. And some even look at it as a way to save money and live a more comfortable lifestyle. With all these mixed messages, it can be difficult to determine the true meaning of a marriage, so I'll just say this:

Marriage is exactly what you see fit for it to be. Every couple is different and what's best for one may be obsolete for another. It's important to respect how the people in your life have chosen to be married, because frankly, it's not your job to make people do what you think is right in a marriage. Whether good or bad, it belongs to them so mind your business! It's important to sit together and decide what you will honor in your marriage and what won't be tolerated.

Ball & Chain

There's an old figure of speech that once you get married, you lose your freedom, and that's why a lot of people are deafly afraid of commitment.

In my marriage, I don't feel chained down by our relationship; I'm set free! I can be my true self without fear when it comes to my husband. He uplifts me, supports my dreams, and gives me the room I need to keep growing as an individual. This is crucial. You still have to fulfill your commitments to yourself even though you're married.

Keep chasing your dreams, going out with your friends, and just being plain awesome. Just make sure that you know what behaviors would upset your spouse and avoid doing them. I know that sounds restricting to some of you, but you wouldn't want your mate to do the things that upset you either, so suck it up. It's in the name of love!

Finances

There are tons of stats out there about divorce, and the one I'm constantly hearing is that many marital problems revolve around money. It's already demanding to keep your relationship healthy, but when you add financial strain to the mix, it's a living nightmare! Imagine trying to live peacefully together amongst collector calls, eviction notices, and late fees. Not a pretty picture.

Get a financial plan together and follow it. Decide how bills will be paid and if you'll merge your funds or not. Create a strategy to get rid of debt and a savings plan. Set goals. And most importantly, do it together.

Role Play

You think it's a woman's job to cook and clean. They think both spouses should work full time. You think chores should be divided evenly. They think the man should be the one to bring in all the money to pay the bills. There's all kinds of ideas out there about what role each person has in a marriage, and this can trip you up in your relationship. If you're religious, this could impact your beliefs of the roles in a household as well. You need to discuss what each person can bring to the home in order to live harmoniously. For example, what if the husband can cook and the wife even burns buttered toast? You just going to eat charred food for the rest of your lives? You can agree on how your household will run and fulfill your agreed upon responsibilities. If both people are doing what they said they would do, what's there to argue about?

Children

This is a BIG deal. You're no longer talking about your own life, but complete responsibility for the life of a little human being. Someone's life literally being in your hands. This topic is not to be taken lightly.

Do you want kids? Do they? How she raised? Do you agree with how their family raised him? Do you believe in spanking children? What would you qualify as a spanking? Would you ever consider adoption? Are they against it? How strict were your parents? What if he doesn't believe in a curfew? What about dating rules and the birds and the bees talk?

See? It's a big freaking deal. Talk about it. Reflect, and talk some more. Keep talking on into your marriage and onto parenthood. Whatever you decide, be unified.


To be honest, there's no way to be fully prepared for marriage. It's a journey full of the unexpected but it can be heaven on earth. I really hope this was helpful, but if it wasn't, here is a list of ideas and resources for those thinking seriously about marriage.

• Seek marital counseling
• Take Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University course
• Attend a couple's retreat
• Visit the National Healthy Marriage website http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/index.aspx
• Check out the Stronger Marriage website http://strongermarriage.org/